One of the worst conversations to get stuck in starts off with a “Hey, want to hear about my fantasy football team’s 100+ point week?” That question is almost as obnoxious as getting a text from a friend who can’t wait to tell you about his catchy & “funny” team name. No, I don’t want to hear about your team, draft, sleeper pick in the 14th round or how you got screwed because your 1st round pick tore his ACL in week 1. Save every last ounce of it because I’d rather be inundated with my Facebook friend’s political thoughts than anything relating to your team that’s repulsively named after or is an ode to Mike Ditka.
Fantasy football has become a massive entity that nearly everyone who has heard of the NFL plays. But it’s gotten tedious, annoying & gives amateur football minds reasons to think they know the game because of their ability to memorize stats.
Being the king of fantasy mediocrity that I am, it’s fitting that I’m divorcing myself from the cult-ish insanity that so many can’t get enough of. I’m still a fan of fantasy baseball, basketball & hockey because of the ability to withstand a serious injury without flushing your money & pride down the toilet. And even though I’ve won a couple football leagues the past few years, it’s all a remedial exercise that takes no skill whatsoever. Like Sidney Deane said in White Men Can’t Jump… Pure luck.
In ’07, I had LaDainian “I don’t need a ring” Tomlinson (1,474 yards rushing & 15 TD’s), Tom Brady (50 TD passes & 4,806 yards passing) & Andre Johnson (851 yards & 8 TD’s) as my first three picks. I was loaded and ran the table until my semifinal week when Brady played the Jets in a miserable weather day that doubled as a giant kick to my balls. Brady had a pedestrian day and I promptly took my undefeated record to the consolation bracket. Cool.
I’ve done leagues since then mainly for the draft and to see my friends who I don’t get to see enough of because they got married for some reason & how hard it is to coordinate the schedules of 10+ guys, but the days of leaning on a receiver with a nagging hamstring are over. I don’t need some diva receiver to ruin my Sunday’s because his quarterback is the master of the check down (Oh hey, Kevin Kolb!). I’m also through with taking a running back who is “poised to have a breakout season” in the 2nd or 3rd round that only crippled my team. Yes, I’m looking at you, Knowshon Moreno.
You know what else I don’t need? Drafting three players because they were the best player on the board only to find out that they all have the same bye week. That’s always a fucking blast. And so is the constant rule changes and idiotic scoring that doesn’t favor the most vital position in sports. Yes, I’m staring at those who don’t reward having an elite quarterback. There’s a reason those guys make the most money, why should your fantasy league not reflect this? A tight end should never outscore your team’s QB in a given week. Never.
If that’s not douchey enough, how about when your asked to draft someone’s team because they can’t make it to the draft. I did this once because some guy’s woman cracked the whip on him, and wouldn’t you know it… The guy that I drafted for won the league. Of course he did. And it’s guys like that who are notorious for offering your three bench players for Calvin Johnson, or their backup QB and middle of the pack running back for your franchise QB. Yeah bro, totally.
But most of all, I despise the fact that people will claim to know the league by memorizing the stats of every relevant player and their “handcuffed” backups. Stop it, you’re doing nothing but pissing me off by regurgitating stats of players that I don’t want to know exist. And no, I don’t want to hear about your awesome waiver wire pick because you were sitting by a computer waiting to grab him when everyone else in the league was too busy working.
So enjoy your mock drafts, drafts and all of the silliness/luck that goes with it. I don’t want to hear about your team and just know that I’ll be rooting for the person in your league that you’re convinced will only donate money & finish last. And when you’re rooting against your favorite team because you need your utility guy to put up 16 points in your playoff week, know that I’ll be sitting here laughing at you for putting in countless hours of mindless draft preparation.