Is there anything worse than fake people? I don’t mean the ones that create parody accounts on Twitter to show off their amateur comedic skills, although some of them are smartly planned and well done. I am also not talking about the petrified ass clowns who create random fake accounts on the social media giant or fake email addresses for the sole purpose to talk shit and act like Floyd Mayweather behind their Macbook Pro’s laptops. You almost feel sorry for those gutless suckholes, because they probably haven’t been laid by anything other than a hooker for the better part of a decade.
Nor is the target here Lakers fans, but the “look at me and my new kicks” fashion douche juices that fill the Staples Center this time of year always deserve to be called out. You know the type… the ones that care more about being shown on TNT or ABC’s “Jack” montage than they do about Andrew Bynum’s often indifferent and questionable effort in playoff games. Yes, those same fans that abandoned the team when the Bulls were running them out of the Forum in game 5 of the ’91 finals, vanished into thin air when Magic retired, said “Lakers who?” when Shaq got traded & will become Clippers fans once Kobe retires.
Laker “fans” will have their day in this space, but the absolute worst form of people are the grin fucking fakers that you deal with on a daily basis. It doesn’t matter the setting, everyone is faced with the cold reality of seeing people they despise, and/or equally detest them right back.
You’ve been there– you had to put on a face to say hello to someone who,undoubtedly, can’t wait to leave the conversation so they can talk shit behind your back. They often come with a smile and an atrocious “Hey! How are you?!” Whether it’s work, a social setting or the unfortunate timing of running into someone at the grocery store, you know you’re getting bullshitted when you get the head tilt with the “Oh my god, how have you been?!” “You look good, what’s new?” Oh, and don’t forget about the types that always have “a guy” for whatever project you might be looking to have done around the house. I’m sure you’ll get the guy’s name and number to me after I call you six times.
Get out of my life.
And who hasn’t been cornered by someone at a party, bar, wake or anywhere in between and had to have the “I haven’t seen you since high school, tell me about EVERYTHING in the next five minutes so I can go annoy the shit out of some else” chat? It happens far too often, and it forces you to morph into robot mode where you only give short answers before pretending to take a really important call from work, or asking where the bathroom is. Don’t bother asking how life has been since high school. There’s a reason that we haven’t spoken since then…It’s because there’s no desire or reason to. Unless you’re hot and drunk, move along because I’d rather be shot in the face then hear about your tennis win at your health club or your new promotion at work.
And who can forget the ones who shake your hand, never make eye contact and ask you “Hey, how ya doin, buddy?!” Really? Don’t approach people and big time them like you’re a God damn movie star. We were perfectly happy chillin’ at the bar before you decided to swag over and tell us about your new car and how smoking hot your girlfriend is. And if you happen to engage in a conversation with them, they’ll likely mock something you have to say because they’re a penis like that, or give you a look in utter disgust when you speak truth on them. “Are you sure? I don’t know about that…” Sweet. Then why the fuck did you ask me in the first place, cocksucker?
Dealing with fakers is a miserable occurrence that is unavoidable unless you live in a cave. And don’t forget about the people in college who you didn’t really care for in the first place trying to relive how hammered we used to get and the girls we unsuccessfully tried to sleep with. Fakers are all over the place, and can’t wait to grin fuck you to show how good of a person they are. Don’t fall for it, because if they cared that much how you were doing, they wouldn’t need to ask in the first place.