It's been a while since I've banged out a Sammi's Finest, but I'm back, bitches.
Sammi’s Finest 8.0: These offbeat briefs are extremely overdue and packed with porn, flaming tampons, and colons… and I’m not talking about the punctuation.
Want to win a colonoscopy by Ozzie Osbourne? Oh God, can you even imagine him telling you to bend over in that voice of his? That’s pretty frightening. All joking aside though, he really is teaming up with CBS and New York Presbyterian Hospital for the annual CBS Cares Colonoscopy Sweepstakes. Check it out here: http://promotions.mardenkane.com/cbs/cbscares12/ The lucky winner will be treated to a three-day trip to New York, which will include airfare, hotel accommodations, $500 in spending money and, yes, a trip to the doctor’s office to be violated. The contest runs from now until March 31st. An explanation of the procedure on the website says, “As the colonoscopy begins, you will be given a drug that will make you feel like you’re at a Black Sabbath concert, but without the music. If the doctor starts to look like Ozzy, please report the side effect to him or the Prince of Darkness… whomever you see first.”
Is condom use mandatory for Porn Stars in Los Angeles? Yes. That would correct Alex, for $500. The Los Angeles City Council voted on Tuesday, January 17th to require that porn stars wear condoms on all porn movies filmed in LA. What fun is that?? …Not only for the porn stars, but also for all the perverts wanting to see that late night straight pipe! Let me ask you a serious question. Not all porn stars, in fact the majority of them are not stars; so why are they called porn stars? Why aren’t they called porn actors / porn actresses? It’s more of a rhetorical question really… I don’t watch that horseshit.
Who knew that you could blow up a car using tampons? Two idiots in Pennsylvania were arrested for attempted arson after vandalizing a car and trying to blow it up using tampons. Patricia Deshong and Quentin Deshong were also arrested for public drunkenness and criminal mischief. Of course they were drunk. The tampons were found in the engine compartment and the gas tank and since there were ashes outside both of those areas, investigators concluded that the tampons were set on fire first. Flaming tampons…Tampax should come out with a new line.
A man in Thailand who was mourning over the death of his girlfriend of 10 years married her at her funeral. Yes, he married her at her funeral. Chadil Deffy had plans to marry his girlfriend Sarinya Kamsook but she died in an accident before they were able to set a date. Yea because you waited 10 years to ask the poor girl!!!! During the combination funeral and wedding ceremony (the wedderal), Deffy put a ring on Sarinya’s dead finger as she lay in a coffin. She didn’t say “I do” back obviously… I can’t decide if that’s true love or true idioticness.
Oh My God, I thought I was the McNugget Queen! Apparently not!! A woman in California has been accused of offering sexual favors to a McDonald’s patron in exchange for his chicken McNuggets. A man at McDonalds who was questioned about the woman approaching his car told police Khadijah Baseer, the McProstitute, said she would perform sexual favors if he bought her McNuggets. But the guy declined…what a prude!! I would’ve done it. Kidding.
She is the ideal woman for any straight man. A 27-year-old U.K. woman technically lost her virginity twice because she has two vaginas. What? Hazel Jones said that when she turned 18, she went to a doctor because her boyfriend said she was “different” in the genital area. How didn’t she know she was different in the genital area before the age of 18? She then found out she had two vaginas, two separate uteruses and two cervixes. She said, “Once I found out what it was I told everybody. I thought it was amazing and it’s definitely an ice-breaker at parties. And also an appetite loser. If women want to have a look, I’m quite happy to show them.” Do they have to do a double take? She added, “I have a great sex life.” I bet you do, hussy. Doctors say if she gets pregnant she will most likely have to have a caesarean section. That shit CRAY!
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