They’re baaaaaack. Finally, NBA teams can start talking to agents about potential deals for players this morning. Unfortunately, deals cannot become official until the league re-opens for business on December 9th. So until then, what is there to do to pass the amount of time I think about the association? Yes, coming up with fake trades that John Paxson is afraid to pull off for the Bulls is one thing, but that’s not what I was thinking. What I’m talking about would be to list all of the things I’ve missed about the NBA since the Dallas Mavericks became America’s team by beating the “Heatles” in their own gym en route to winning the championship.
Watching Derrick Rose amaze on a nightly basis obviously tops the list, but there is so much that I’ve been deprived of because of the asinine greed fest. And yes, I’m aware that I wrote over 1,000 words on that as long as Carlos Boozer was missing paychecks, the lockout could continue. That was enjoyable, but this list (in no particular order) was missed terribly…
1. The amount of ugly sister jokes aimed towards Lamar Odom at Lakers road games. I love Khloe for being the only semi real Whoredashian, but that will always be funny.
2. Kris Humphries getting his balls busted in every arena including whichever one he calls home. I know, this hasn’t happened yet, but the thought of it gives me a Joker sized grin. And think about it, whatever team over pays for the guy who probably has herpes, will hear their fans rip into him constantly as he struggles to get into shape. There’s an excellent chance he goes into the Reggie Bush funk for the next two years.
3. Mark Cuban walking around with a shit eating grin on his face for the duration of the 66 game regular season. Cuban was wise to keep his mouth shut during the playoffs last year, and yes, I believe it played a small role in why his Mavs now have rings. The refs would have definitely spited the Mavs had ’06 Cuban been ranting and raving like a lunatic in that Heat series. As for this year, a cocky Cuban will carry himself like an emperor. It’ll be fun…Until, of course, his Mavs get bounced in the 2nd round of the playoffs.
4. The Ho Train. What is better than money hungry whores looking to cash in on players who are again making big money. Watching Basketball Wives is one thing, but there’s a reason I need to get to an All-Star weekend. The whores who go after NBA players is a sight to see. At least, that’s what I’ve been told. Who’s down for a trip to Orlando in late February?
5. The Knicks hype. You knew this was coming. It’s already started with the Chris Paul rumors. I don’t want to expound on this, because I’ll want to start fighting people. Just wait for how obnoxious the coverage is of this team. Speaking of CP3…
6. Trade rumors. They have already begun, and they’ll be as big of a story as any until the trade deadline. Where is Paul going? Could he end up in Boston as part of a deal involving Rajon Rondo? Will Otis Smith wisely deal Dwight Howard before he leaves them high and dry? Will GarPax get off of their title-less plan and finally give Derrick Rose some help? It will be compelling.
7. The fall of the Lakers. I know, Kobe had some magical procedure done on his knees that will give him a 48 inch vertical blah blah blah. But seriously, this team is headed for disaster with Mike Brown at the helm. They’ll deal with Howard trade rumors all season, which will make Andrew Bynum worry about his stats even more than he does currently. Kobe can forget his 6th ring, he better dust off that ’07 trade demand routine.
8. The Grizzlies. One of the better stories of last season is headed for a fall back to reality. But that won’t be the most entertaining part. I can’t wait for another fight on the team plane. And speaking of fighting…
9. Tony Allen. I’ll never forget Allen crip walking at the UC during the 2nd quarter of a Grizzlies-Bulls game that the Bulls eventually won. It was high comedy, and some of the brilliance that is Tony Allen.
10. Stacey King. What else needs to be said? He makes Bulls games so much fun. I’ve started a countdown of when we’ll get our first…”let me step back and kiss myself!” Love it.
11. Making fun of MJ’s Bobcats. This will never get old, and we’ll never run out of material as long as the G.O.A.T. keeps sticking his Hitler mustache in personnel matters.
12. ESPN’s Heat Index. I’m kidding. And just so we’re clear, fuck ESPN everything.
13. The Heat. Yes, they are filled with drama, but I can’t stop watching them. It’s like watching the Real Housewives of anywhere. I can’t get enough. If LeBron again fails in the playoffs, I’ll again reach a Vegas level of excitement. And if that happens, what will the Heat’s excuse be then?
14. Charles Barkley. Chuck has been out of our lives for entirely too long. Having Shaq with the TNT crew will be good TV, but Barkley is one of the few people with a forum who doesn’t give a shit what you think. He speaks his mind, and I love him for it. Welcome back, Chuckster.
15. And finally…The Bulls. Were you expecting a list of white players who look like they smell like urine? That could have been good actually. How the Bulls react to their playoff loss to Miami will determine what seed they enter this year’s tournament as. Will there be a hangover? Can Carlos Loozer & Joakim Noah coexist? Is that elusive 2 guard ever joining D Rose? This team has more questions than most think a 62 win team does. But no matter what happens, they’ll be a must watch. And after a miserable work stoppage deprived us of seeing the MVP, perhaps that’s all that matters.