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Thursday April 24th 2014

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The Biggest Divas-Bitches In Sports

As I was working out yesterday, I kept thinking about what to write a blog about next. I had a few ideas going through my head until the cynical side of me took over. If you know me, you know I usually lean toward the negative aspect of things. I’m a realist, what can I say. If you’re looking for Johnny Meatball sports fan, you’ve come to the wrong place. Don’t get me wrong, I love praising the athletes that deserve it. My man crushes on Derrick Rose and Kevin Durant are a testament to that. Having said that(Larry David voice), my cynical side won again. I started thinking about all of the assholes that there are in sports, and decided to list the 10 biggest divas-bitches in reverse order. Narrowing the list down to ten was harder than getting through an episode of ESPN’s Around The Horn, and almost as bad as people who try and say soccer and the UFC are mainstream. No, it wasn’t easy, but I found my ten with one extra ass-bag thrown in, just because I felt like it. I mean what’s more fun than making fun of millionaire athletes and celebrities? For me the list is short. It goes as follows……NFL football, NBA, WWE, girls, playing basketball, spending hours YouTubing random shit, going out drinking with the crew, girls, and working out. That pretty much covers it.

Side Note: I know I put girls in there twice. It wasn’t a typo.

The criteria I came up with for this group of douche bags is how obnoxious they are, how they aren’t nearly as good at what they do as they think they are, annoy 97.6% of people that have a pulse, and make you want to knock them out the second you see their face. Now then…..on to the list.

10. Chris Bosh-F-Miami Heat: Rupaul had to make my list. He was borderline, until I heard that he is taking his free agency tour videos to studios. I’m sure people would line up to see that quitter make fools of teams who only wanted him to get to LeBron and Dwyane Wade. He quit on his Raptors team when they were fighting for a playoff spot, despite being healthy enough to play. Wade’s lapdog had his bags packed months ago. If that’s not bad enough, he strolled around Staples Center during the finals just trying to get attention. It’s bad enough to quit on teammates, but to parade yourself in Kobe’s house like you’re a basketball God is ridiculous. The 3rd wheel of Miami’s lesbian triumvirate has led his team to more lottery appearances than playoff wins (3). He was the most overjoyed of the 3 at the Heat’s asinine introduction party because he knows he’ll never again have the pressure to lead a team to a win. He does, however, lead off our list as the 10th biggest diva-bitch in sports. Hey, who said Rupaul Bosh can’t win anything?!

9. Chris Johnson-RB-Titans: I hated putting Barry Sanders 2.0 on this list, but he is absolutely deserving. I hate to do it because, like I said last season, if I have the 1st pick in fantasy leagues this year, I’m taking Johnson. I loathe the fact he refers to himself as “every coach’s dream”, but really–what he is becoming is the next NFL player to fall in love with themselves more than wanting to actually win something. No, Chris, you wouldn’t beat Usain Bolt in a race– Not if Bolt was drunk off Turtle’s tequila and high off Vinny Chase’s pain meds. He, also, wasn’t deserving of being the highest paid offensive player in football. Shut up and play football, Chris.

8. Rex Ryan-Coach-Jets: The walking Shamu coach of the Jets acts as if he’s won 4 SuperBowls. Little does slim know that he was given a free ride into the playoffs by the Colts last year when they, stupidly, sat their starters(I said it at the time. So, yes, it was a Steve Stone first guess). They were a 9-7 team who got hot at the right time, beat a dysfunctional Bengals team, and beat a Norv Turner coached team before losing to Peyton Manning. The Jets are the trendy SuperBowl pick for this year, but I’m not buying it. The coach who wants everyone to know how smart he is also has his team on HBO’s Hard Knocks, which is a karma no-no. This guy loves the attention…..kind of like his old man who never won a damn thing as a head coach. Oh, and between Big Macs ,he also wrote a book in the off-season. My guess is it wasn’t a “how to eat healthy” or “how not to be a complete penis” book.

If Ari Gold gets an NFL team for Los Angeles, he wouldn't be nearly as annoying as Cowboys boss Jerry Jones.

7. Jerry Jones-Owner-Cowboys: From the league’s most annoying coach to it’s biggest pain in the ass owner. Where do I start with plastic face? All you have to do is look at the stadium he built. You know they call it “Jerry World.” Of course, they do. This guy ran off Jimmy Johnson when he was winning SuperBowls because everyone knew The Hairdo was the brains behind the Cowboys of the 90′s. Psssh, guess what? Everyone was right. Jones has always wanted to be the coach of the Cowboys, but wouldn’t ever do it because his massive ego wouldn’t be able to handle the pressure. Appearing on Entourage was another example of how he wants to be viewed by the masses. He’s viewed, by me, as just another billionaire pain in the ass. When I think of Jones’ ownership tenure with America’s former team I don’t think of Jerry World or the 3 SB’s, I think of a guy who presided over a team that went 12 years without a playoff win. All while telling everyone how great he was. Welcome to the party, Jerry.

6. Terrell Owens-WR-Bungals: You didn’t think stone hands would be off this list, did you?! I know he’s only relevant because his horrific reality show, but he’ll be on lists like these as long as he keeps suckering teams into paying him to be below average. I remember T.O. when he was just a football player. That was before The Catch II in ’98. After that, a humble kid from Chattanooga, Tennessee turned into a monster. The sit-ups in the driveway, being sent home from the Eagles, crying after another Cowboys playoff loss, getting his popcorn ready, and calling Jeff Garcia gay are just some of the stupidity this diva has demonstrated. T.O. may switch teams, but he’ll always have a home on this list.

5. Dwyane Wade-G-Heat: The guy who I want kicked out of Chicago permanently checks in at number 5. Pat Riley’s spy used the Bulls as leverage to get what he wanted out of the Heat. His uneducated ass also questioned the Bulls loyalty when his current employer just fired their season ticket sales staff after they sold out season tickets. Stay classy, Pat Riley and Micky Arison. As for Wade, he’s a manipulative piece of garbage who can’t break down physically again soon enough for my liking. D Wade, Chicago has a message for you: Kiss this city’s ass.

Rodney Dangerfield would tell Phil that if that dress had pockets he'd look like a pool table.

4. Phil Mickelson-Golfer-Captain of the man boobs club: Phil is nicknamed FIGJAM which stands for Fuck, I’m good-just ask me. Many of the pros on tour think the smile-good guy routine is all a fraud. When someone comes off as such a good guy, there’s usually something up. He was voted the 2nd least favorite player by fellow pros, only beating out Rory Sabbatini. I like Phil’s game, but I hate fake people. That’s why he gets the number 4 spot on my list.

3. Alex Rodriguez-3B-Yankees: As I’m writing this, A-Rod has yet to hit his 600th steroid induced home run. This wait has put ESPN on a Favre- like watch. It’s actually comical seeing Rodriguez struggle like this. I have no doubt he’s thought about starting a cycle of PED’s(if he’s not already on one) just to get a this process over with. I like A-Rod, and I’ve always rooted for him. I enjoyed seeing him finally produce more than double plays in last year’s playoffs. Of course, there is a reason he’s this high on this list. He admitted his PED use, but did it saying he felt “an enormous amount of pressure” to perform. Ok, A-Roid. He left his wife, dated Madonna, did a creepy photo shoot where he kissed himself in a mirror. He’s a great player, but he loves himself more than Ozzie Guillen loves sounding like an illiterate fool.

2. LeDiva James-F-Heat: Do I really need to say anything? If you’ve read my stuff since “The Decision” then you know how I feel about this immature, overgrown, pressure avoiding, legacy killing, afraid to be the man- pussy. Let’s move on to the king of all sports divas-bitches.

Did you have any doubts as to who would rank as sports' biggest diva-bitch? I didn't think so.

1. Brett Favre-QB-Vikings: Who else could be number 1 on this list? It’s been 5 years since he first started wavering about his future. The yearly soap opera pisses off even his most devout supporters. Anytime he talks about whether or not he’s going to play, he does so by talking out of both sides of his mouth. He lives for the attention as much as he lives for playing football. He plays the dumb hillbilly card to the public, but make no mistake, he knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s a manipulative maniac who wants control of anything he touches. He wants control of when he shows up to camp, how much he practices, how to run the offense, and how often Vikings coach Brad Childress can use the bathroom. He had his agent post pictures on the internet after the NFC Championship Game last year of his bruised ankle and leg. It was his way of showing everyone just how injured he really was. Sorry, Brett, but there is no excuse for costing your team a trip to the SuperBowl. Luckily, he’s coming back this year so he can add to his reputation as the biggest diva-bitch in sports. Lord Favre finally has a other title to his resume.

Reader Feedback

3 Responses to “The Biggest Divas-Bitches In Sports”

  1. ChiCitySports says:

    good list

  2. The Legend says:

    Amen to the Favre watch. As if he doesn’t get enough publicity anyway we have to watch daily and hourly updates of “will he or won’t he”.

  3. Sornies says:

    Great list, though your #1 was weak. Leave it to ESPN to be stuck with the MLB snoozefest, and fabricate “retirement” rumors. A diva, yes. #1? If not T.O., then it must be LeBron.

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