With so much going on in the sports world this week, how could I possibly find time to write about the worst contracts in sports? Well, despite the Bulls and Blackhawks in the playoffs, the NFL draft, the Big Ben saga, the release of the NFL schedule (who cares), and new episodes of Basketball Wives, I’ve decided this is the time to make this article happen. Having lived in Chicago my entire life, and followed all of the local teams, I’ve seen enough bad money thrown to old, bad, over-valued, under-performing, athletes that this could be a novel. So, I decided let’s limit it to the 4 major sports, and only current contracts. With the Cubs off to a typical lousy start, it helped drive me to do this now. Certainly, the Todd Hundley contract, Bryan Cox Bears contract, the Albert Belle WhiteSox deal, the Eddie Robinson Bulls train wreck, and the Blackhawks Christobal Huet contract would have all made my all-time list. Wait….Huet is still on the Hawks?!! He hasn’t been shipped back to France yet? He still has 2 years left on his deal?!! –Dammit– just when Blackhawks fans are running for the ledge. Don’t worry, I will also be mentioning the General Managers who help lure these free agents to their teams with bloated salary cap-budget killing deals. They will get theirs too, I promise. So does Spike Lee for whatever he got from Kobe Doin Work. What a horrible “film” that was. Spike hasn’t looked that bad since MJ waved bye-bye to him at the end of Game 5 of the ’96 Eastern Conference Finals. Thanks for 90 minutes of my life I’ll never get back Spike. I appreciate it.

Worst Contracts In Major League Baseball: Cover your eyes early Cubs fans…..

Alfonso loves to pimp his swing......Even if the ball doesn't leave the yard. That's how the clown with the worst contract in baseball rolls.

Alfonso Soriano- Cubs: Oh, where to begin with this ass-bag. Let’s first attack Cubs GM Jim Hendry, who has done his best to one up Isiah Thomas on the “I bet I can F-up my franchise worse than you can” list. He gave Soriano a 6 year, $136 million dollar deal after “Fonzi” displayed his talents on a baseball bottom feeder in Washington in ’06. The Nationals had as much pressure on them that season as my 2007 Men’s Softball league team had (Thanks again Jay and Bob….We didn’t need you for the playoffs or anything). Soriano had a typical contract year in ’06……67 walks, 46 home-runs, and 41 stolen bases. He also became the 4th payer to join the 40-40 club with Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, and Alex Rodriguez. What does that group have in common……..Think about it. Soriano also became the first player to have 40 homers, 40 stolen bases, and 40 doubles in one season. Translation: Perfect free agent timing. The Cubs “had” to have this guy. Jim Hendry put down his double cheeseburger with bacon and thought it was brilliant to outbid every other team in the running on years and money (he outbid other suitors by $30 million or so) to get the selfish “me” guy to the northside. Three and a half years later, Cubs fans can’t say his name without saying….”You know he has 5 more years on his contract right?!” Between the injuries, dropped fly balls, standing at the plate admiring long warning track fly balls, getting picked off, hopping while catching fly balls, swinging at 56 foot curve balls, displaying an inability to hit teams 1-2 starters, his low baseball IQ, and hitting opposing teams closers with as much success as Todd Hundley did (I knew I could find a way to put him in this article)…..Cubs fans have had it. Soriano belongs in the Mexican league that Jake Taylor played in in the late 80′s.

The Gruesome Details: 5 more years, a FULL no-trade clause, and average of $18 million dollars per season. That’s as disgusting as his admission that he’s afraid of the wall. Thanks again Jim, we didn’t want flexibility going forward with new ownership.

Other Atrocious MLB contracts:

Barry Zito- Giants: The former CY Young award winner has 4 more years with $76 million left on his Giants contract. The Giants had the stink of Barry Bonds for one more year and instead of a fresh start, former GM Brian Sabean inked Zito to the mega deal. Zito is now no better than the Giants 3rd starter. $126 million just doesn’t get you what it used to.

Vernon Wells- Blue Jays: Another highly paid aging outfielder, Wells is owed a ridiculous $107 million over the remaining 5 years of his deal. According to FanGraphs, Wells 0.9, 1.3, -0.1 wins since 2006. How bad is it when your presence on a bad team makes that team even worse? Congrats Vernon, you’ve earned it.

J.D Drew- RedSox: The RedSox right fielder is hitting .143 with a .286 slugging percentage, and those instrumental 6 RBI on the young season. That’s hideous by itself, but when you take into account he’s making $14 million dollars this season. Take a bow Theo Epstein…..Thank you. He’s never had over 70 RBI for Boston, and he’s on the books until the end of the 2011 season. Drew’s agent Scott Boras pulled another John Dillinger heist with this contract. I hope Drew has saved some money because this will be his last big money contract. Unless Jim Hendry is still employed in 2011. Speaking of Mr. Hendry yet again……

Carlos Zambrano- Cubs: I remember the day in ’07 when Jim Hendry struck again. The Cubs inked Carlos Zambrano to a 5 year $91 million dollar extension that made me shake my head 682 times in one afternoon. All of this for a guy who had yet to win 18 games in a season, not displayed playoff mental toughness, never demonstrated a strong work ethic, and showed he just might be clinically insane. You better believe Jimmy boy gave him a full no-trade clause in his extension that he has shown no desire to wave. With the news that he is headed to the bullpen, maybe he’ll start to soften that stance. I’m fine with making him upset if it means he’s likely to wave the no-trade and accept a trade later this year. Is it probable? No, but this is pro sports and there’s always a sucker out there.

Worst Contracts in the NBA:

Luol Deng goes in for another missed layup. His Bulls contract is one of the worst in the NBA.

Luol Deng- Bulls: Did you honestly think I would write this article and leave off Captain Concrete Feet?! The man who steals money from my favorite team every time he steps on the floor doesn’t have the worst contract in the NBA, but it’s damn close. When he signed his 6 year, $71 million dollar deal in ’08 I gasped for air, ranted to anyone that would listen, and contemplated driving to  John Paxson’s house demanding answers. I didn’t really contemplate driving to Pax’s house, but you get my point. Plus, after his altercation with Vinny Del No-Mind, I’m sure Pax would have kicked my ass. Deng signed the richest contract in Bulls history, and all he has done is prove he’s softer than a Carlos Zambrano “fastball”. This is the worst of John Paxson’s many mistakes. People defend the deal saying Deng took what he was offered… blah blah blah. There’s no denying the facts…..He can’t dribble, he can’t shoot off the dribble, he can’t get his own shot, he can’t move his feet on defense, he can’t consistently knock down the 3, and he gets the ball taken from him worse than any 6’9” or taller player in the league. The guy breaks down worse than most kids first cars. He had the stress fracture in ’09 that the Bulls didn’t think was a fracture– he’s had a calf issue this year, a back injury, a knee injury, and has menstrual cycles 3 times per month. Fine, I made the last one up…..At least, I think I did. The Bulls best hope is that Deng plays solid in this Cavs series so that a dumb unsuspecting GM (David Kahn T-Wolves) will decide he’s worth using cap money on in a trade this summer. Never give up hope Bulls fans, because like I said……there’s always a sucker out there.

The Gruesome Details: Deng has 4 more years with an average of $10.365 million dollars. Not bad money if you can get it, huh? I mean, anytime you can give a un-athletic NBA small forward $71 million when you have an average team…..You have to do it. Thanks Pax, much like Jim Hendry– anytime you’d like to explain yourself, we are all ears.

Other Atrocious NBA contracts:

Gilbert Arenas- Wizards: The king of bad contracts in the NBA. By far, number one on the bad contract list. The Wizards said to themselves in 2008 “Hey, I know he’s coming off two knee surgeries, but we have to have this guy back.” Who in their right minds would say that about Gilbert Arenas? That’s precisely what Wizards GM Ernie Grunfeld (Always a Mr. Chi City target) gave Arenas– a 6 year, $111 million dollar contract after visiting the Golden State Warriors and turning down their “max” 5 year, $100 million dollar offer. This was an already injured Arenas, who had already shown he wasn’t a team player, didn’t make guys better, and was a lead guard who wasn’t leading a team to anything but non-playoff seasons. Sure, the Wizards made the playoffs in ’05-’08, but that doesn’t mean mortgaging your future on a me- first turd with a bum leg. This year’s gun escapade capped off a tumultuous stretch for the NBA’s worst teammate and contract. It’s all good Wiazrds fans, he only has 4 more years averaging $16.192 million dollars that will cripple your team’s rebuilding efforts. Have fun with that.

Elton Brand- Sixers: Sixers GM, Ed Stefanski, had a good young team going into the summer of ’08. The Sixers ended the previous season playing an uptempo style that fit their personnel perfectly. Andre Iguodala, Lou Williams, Andre Miller, Samuel Dalembert, and Thaddeus Young had the Sixers on an uptick before Stefanski killed that noise by signing Brand to a 5 year, $80 million dollar deal. I mean, why wouldn’t he? Brand had just played in 9 games after tearing his achilles tendon into 842 pieces. Brand played in only 29 games in his 1st season in Philly, and the Sixers proved they were better when he didn’t play. The Sixers are stuck with Elton through the 2012-2013 season, and he’ll make $51 million through that contract. Much like Arenas’ deal, nobody in the NBA is THAT dumb to take that on.

Hedo Turkoglu- Raptors: Add Raptors head man Bryan Colangelo to the list of GM’s “I know I’m smarter than”. In a piss poor effort to show impending free agent Chris Bosh the team was serious about winning, Colangelo gave Turkoglu a 5 year, $53 million dollar deal after the ’09 season. Hedo was solid in the Magic’s run to the Finals, but how can one explain giving a 31 year old who’s averaged 12.4 points per game in his career, $53 million? You can’t, and it’s why Bosh is likely to leave a bad team with no flexibility going forward. In case you can’t connect the dots, this is good news Bulls fans. Bosh and Joakim Noah together would be a formidable frontline for years to come.

Other Horrendous Contracts:

Chriostobal Huet- Hawks: As much as I would like to think the former Hawks number 1 goalie is gone, he’s still here. He’s the main reason why former Blackhawks GM, Dale Tallon, is no longer in charge. Tallon gave Huet a 4 year, $22 million dollar deal to a guy in his 30′s who proved to be a typical Chicago free agent letdown.

Ben Roethlisberger- Steelers: How’s that 8 year, $102 million dollar deal looking now Steelers fans? The Big sick freak loves exposing himself to college girls, but that doesn’t hold a candle to the exposure of him as one repulsive piece of garbage. I wish NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell would have suspended him for a  10 game minimum for his repeated actions. However, I’ll take the 4-6 games with full confidence this isn’t the last time we hear about the sick freak’s indiscretions.

More?! You better believe it:

Are there more awful contracts out there? Of course there are– Daisuke Matsuzaka, Carlos Lee, Kosuke Fukudome in baseball. Rasheed Wallace, Kevin Garnett, Rashard Lewis, Kirk Hinrich , Jose Calderon, Charlie Villanueva, Emeka Okafor, and Ben Gordon in the NBA. With only one NFL player on the list you may think I forgot the country’s most popular sport, but NFL contracts aren’t fully guaranteed–it’ s easier to rid yourself of a bad free agent contract than it is in the other 3 major sports. You aren’t stuck with a player for the duration like the Celtics are with Kevin Garnett. Garnett signed a 3 year extension after his defensive player of the year-NBA title season of ’08. After a knee injury and a ruptured tongue from talking so much garbage, Garnett’s deal look awful. Kudos to Celtics GM Danny Ainge on this deal. I hated Ainge when he played, and he’s been his smug, cocky, annoying self as Celtics boss. You can’t see me, but I’m fist pumping Pauly D style thinking of the Celtics mediocre future. This is the risk you take in the NBA , NHL, and MLB when you hand out fully guaranteed contracts. You’re stuck with the guy, no matter what. It’s why the guys on this list belong on the list. It’s also why the GM’s who spent bad money on them deserve to have their balls busted as part of the worst contracts in sports. Take a bow fellas….Your play, and your GM’s decision making, provide comedy relief for all of us.